「ハルの看病奮闘記」- “Haru’s Chronicle of Do-or-Die First Aid”
“Tsuritama” Drama CD, Track 3/5 (6:11)
Akira: “Listen up. Drastic times call for drastic measures.”
– – –
[In which Haru and Akira are the nurses from hell. Yuki’s thoughts are conveyed in parentheses. Numbers in parentheses correspond to translation notes at the bottom of the page.]
[Yuki hoists himself back into bed]
Yuki: (I finally made it back to my bed! Now I just need to take it easy for a while…)
[door flies open; Haru rushes in]
[Haru catapults onto the bed again, crushing Yuki]
H: Yuki, everything’s going to be okay!
Y: (I can’t breathe…! This is totally not “okay”!)
H: I stopped by the vegetable stand! Somebody told me that you should “listen to a leek” since you have a cold (1), so I bought…this!
Y: (An…onion?) (2)
H: I need to take the onion and put it into your ear, like so— [to the onion] Hello, hello! What should I do now?
Y: (Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ouch! You tell me! What the heck am I supposed to do in this situation?!)
H: Yuki, did the onion say anything to you? Could you hear it?
Y: (Yeah, like I’m hallucinating with my ears! This couldn’t be worse!)
H: No, Yuki! Don’t die, okay?! I bought a ton of onions—
[Yuki is pelted with onions]
Y: (M-my bed…is buried in onions—!)
H: How’s this, Yuki? Feel any better?
Y: (I guess this is…some kind of incurable disease…?)
H: Yuki, you okay?! Say something! Are you gonna turn into a star?
H: “Earthworms”…? (3) Earthworms! Roger that! I’ll go get some!
Y: W-wait…! (No, don’t bring them in here! Uh oh… I’m getting…dizzy…)
H: Yuki! Yuki! Why won’t you open your eyes?!
Akira: Calm down. He’s just asleep.
H: Oh, okay. Thank goodness~! [realizes Akira and Tapioca are in the room] Ahhh—! W-why are you here?!
A: Quit being so jumpy. Listen up. Drastic times call for drastic measures. If I were to simply overlook the fact that Yuki’s cold is being prolonged by an alien, it would probably cause trouble for the rest of us earthlings. That’s why I came.
H: What do you mean?
A: S-so… I’m going to oversee Yuki’s care! Don’t get in my way!
H: B-but…I-I can do it myself!
A: You want to save Yuki, right?
A: Do you know anything about colds?
A: Well, I happen to know a little something about colds, so I also know how to treat them.
A: So? Got it?
H: …yeah, got it. But I want to know, too! I want to learn about colds so I can help Yuki!
A: Fine. In that case, you need to help me first.
[a short time later]
[sound of ice clinking]
A: First, if one of the symptoms of the cold is the onset of a fever, then it’s critical that you bring his temperature down. Right now, his temperature is 38 degrees. (4) An ice pack will help relieve the fever.
H: Yep! I made fifty ice packs~!
A: Alright! We’re halfway there.
[a short time later]
A: Just as it’s important to reduce his fever, it’s also a good idea to keep his body fairly warm. That will make him sweat, which will bring down the fever.
H: Okay! Switch on! [turns on a heater]
A: Hm, I guess that should do the trick. Reminds me of home.
[a short time later]
A: Those are the standard methods for treating a cold.
H: So now Yuki will get better?
A: I dare say he should start to recover.
A: But! We’ve just started to scratch the surface.
A: What we’ve done so far is just standard procedure. In Japan, there’s a saying that goes, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” (5)
A: That’s right, Tapioca. To combat a Japanese cold, we need to use Japanese methods.
H: What are you gonna do?
A: Hnn. Why do you think we came down to the kitchen?
H: I have no idea.
A: Well, just watch. First off, I’ve prepared a skipjack tuna. (6)
[Akira pulls out a fish]
H: Wow, amazing~! What’re you gonna do with it?
A: Naturally, I’m going to butcher it! First, you do this! [butchering the poor fish] Then this! And then this!
H: Ahaha, cool~! The fish was filleted in the blink of an eye!
A: I’m just that good.
A: Ah, Tapioca, you flatter me.
H: Are we gonna eat it?
A: As if. We’re going to use it on Yuki. (7)
H: “Use it on” him?
A: According to what I’ve read, the Japanese have devised various methods of reducing fevers. One such method requires horsemeat.
A: Right! Just as Tapioca says, horsemeat is hard to come by. So instead, I prepared this tuna. Let’s take this up to Yuki’s room.
H: Aye, aye~!
[back in Yuki’s room]
Y: (I-it’s hot… Why is it so hot in here?)
Y: (Geh—! W-what is this feeling? There’s something stuck to my forehead?! It’s fish?! What the heck is going on? What’s happening to me?!)
H: Is that enough tuna?
A: Yeah. If we leave it on his forehead, it should help bring down the fever. I read in a book that horsemeat could be used for this purpose.
H: Now Yuki will be just fine!
A: Yep. After he wakes up, bring him something to eat and make him take some of this medicine.
H: Thank you.
A: Hn! To think I would be thanked by an alien. Let’s go, Tapioca.
[Tapioca quacks; door opens and closes]
H: Yuki, hurry up and get better, okay?
[End of Track 3]
– – –
(1) Haru mistakes Heihachi’s advice from the end of track 2 (「風邪はネギが聞く」= “kaze wa negi ga kiku” = “leeks are effective against colds”) for「風邪はネギに聞く」= “kaze wa negi ni kiku” = “colds ‘listen’ to leeks”. Oh, Haru. 😄
(2) In Japanese, the word “negi” refers to a category of onion that encompasses both long, green onions/leeks (“naga negi”) and round, yellow onions (“tama negi”). Heihachi recommended that Yuki eat leeks, which are traditionally used to treat coughs and colds, but Haru apparently got confused and bought a garden-variety yellow onion instead.
(3) Yuki stutters when he asks for water, saying “mi-mizu” instead of “mizu”. “Mimizu” means “earthworm”.
(4) 38°C = 100.4°F
(5) 「郷に入れば郷に従え。」= “When you’re in the countryside, do as the locals do.”
(6) 「鰹」= “katsuo” = “bonito/skipjack tuna”
(7) A la Mouri in this clip from “Mini Sengoku Basara” (but with filets rather than the whole fish, apparently)